


Helpless

by Endai



Series: The Life of Orange Diamond [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Other, Panic Attacks, gemling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-25
Updated: 2019-03-25
Packaged: 2019-12-07 08:51:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18232661
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Endai/pseuds/Endai
Summary: Outtake/removed chapter from Stars & Diamonds





	Helpless

**Author's Note:**

> Replaced by chapter 45, so that makes this an extra, i suppose.
> 
> I decided didn’t like where this chapter turned and would potientially take the story, so I removed it and replaced it with what is up, but i decided that after I had pretty much already wrote most of it. So I’m going to post it as an extra. You can consider an AU or a behind the scenes, up to you really.

Blue Diamond stood at the dome’s edge, looking down on the compound through the slightly distorted view of the glass, her head resting on one hand, her arm being supported by the other that crossed over her chest. Her Pearl stood beside her, keeping her company while both of them watched as the small figure they had been watching for the last half hour weave in and out of other gem’s paths, like they were obstacles that she had to dodge. At first the gems had moved out of the way, some even dropping things they were carrying in surprise, but now they didn’t react, continuing to walk to their destination as the younger gem kept running.

 

“Look at her, Pearl,” Blue sighed, adoration and amazement clear in her tone, “She’s so full of energy. I was getting worried that something was wrong, especially after...”

 

“She seems very lively today, my Diamond.” Pearl agreed evenly.

 

“She is.” Blue nodded, her eyes following Orange until she was out of sight again, her eyes cutting to the other side of the compound where she knew she would see Orange again a few moments later, “I remember when I had to summon the guards just to catch her as a toddler, she wouldn’t stop moving. I’m so glad that hasn’t changed at all.”

 

“I don’t believe the guards can keep up, my Diamond.” Pearl pointed out, and Blue looked questioningly at Pearl before looking back down to see the group of guards that had been tailing Orange, now standing together, or sitting on the ground chatting with one another, none paying attention to the young Diamond until she would come back in sight again. One or two of them would give Orange a little wave each time she came by, the sole proof they were even paying attention to Orange Diamond.

 

Blue’s eyes narrowed at the group, the smile dropping from her face into a more serious line. “How horrible. What use are gems that do not do what their told?”

 

Pearl looked up at Blue Diamond, her tone soft and meek, “My Diamond, if I may speak?”

 

Blue turned to look back down at her Pearl, surprised, but much less irritated now that her Pearl was the one holding her attention. “You may, Pearl. What is it?”

 

Pearl bowed her head under Blue’s stare, being respectful of her owner and superior, “Orange Diamond has been ordering the guards to remain back. I believe they may be simply following her orders.”

 

Blue scoffed, turning back to look at the group, Orange having made another round of the compound, “How ridiculous, that is their purpose. I will have to speak with her.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Oh!” The large Biggs Jasper gasped as she landed face down in the dirt. The ring of gems around them cheered as Orange stood up, a large grin stretched on her face.

 

“I told you not to get so cocky, Biggs.” Orange laughed, feeling on top of the world, even though she was most definitely getting tired, if the sweat drenching the back of her tunic and nape of her neck, and the fatigue in her arms from tossing Quartz around were something to go by. They were by no means a comparison to trying to toss the Topazes, but it was still definitely a workout, and she was sure Iris Agate would have been satisfied she was still training.

 

Two gems in front of Biggs offered her a hand, pulling her up off the ground, Biggs grumbling under breath.

 

“Oh, don’t be such a sore loser,” the gem to her left laughed, clapping her on the back, “like you really stood a chance!”

 

“Hey! I just wasn’t ready, that’s all!” Biggs yelled at her, snatching her hand away and jerking back.

 

“Yeah, sure. Walk it off.” the gem told her, grinning despite the clear offense on her comrade's face.

 

“Whatever.”

 

“Alright!” Orange yelled, raising her fist int he air, “Who’s next!?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Pearl!” Blue yelled in frustration, smacking at the screens in front of her to make them move from her way, "What is that ruckus!?”

 

“My Diamond…um..” Pearl mumbled, stilled turned towards the open window dome that overlooked the front of the compound.

 

“What?” Blue Diamond ground out, sitting forward in her chair/

 

Pearl turned to look at her Diamond, her mouth pulled down in a tiny frown, “Orange Diamond is fighting with the Quartz soldiers.”

 

Blue’s head fell into her hands as she groaned loudly, “Orange...”

 

“She seems to be having fun, my Diamond.” Pearl added, a little cheerily, to try and alleviate the Diamond’s annoyance with the situation.

 

Blue stood up, moving to the window to look down. Indeed, Orange seemed to be laughing, surrounded by what must have been half of the guards that remained permanently on her compound, laughing and cheering in the circle they had created around her.

 

“She’s created a fighting ring on my moonbase!” Blue rubbed the side of her head, caught between being glad Orange looked so happy, and knowing she had to put a stop to it. At least, until she saw Orange get punched by a Jasper gem.

 

“Oh my!” Pearl gasped softly beside her.

 

Blue would have flown into a rage if not a moment later, she watched Orange lay that gem flat out on her back. Blue covered her mouth, “that’s so...so barbaric. First the guards and now this. Oh, Orange...”

 

“My Diamond?”

 

Blue blinked, looking down at her Pearl in question.

 

“You’re crying.”

 

Blue was quick to wipe the tears from her eyes, turning away from window to return to her chair.

 

“Pearl, Get Orange Diamond. Tell her....tell her I need to speak with her. Now.”

 

Pearl bowed, even though her Diamond wouldn’t be able to see with her back turned. “Yes, my Diamond.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Alright, Alright, who’s next?” Orange yelled over the friendly jeering of the crowd, ”Who hasn’t gotten a go yet?”

 

“Orange Diamond?” a voice called, quiet and yet cutting through the cacophony of noise, all shushing at the familiar voice of a Pearl. Everyone, following one after the other, turned to look at Blue Diamond’s Pearl as she stood waiting, hands clasped and not at all bothered by all the quartz looking at her. Her attention was pulled as the crowd parted, Orange pushing through to meet her on the edge of the circle.

 

Orange’s face was pulled into a tense smile, clearly already knowing what was going on. None the less, Orange ruffled the back of her head, damp hair clinging to her fingers as she asked, “Oh…uh, Pearl? Did you need something?”

 

“Blue Diamond has requested to see you.” Pearl responded.

 

Orange grimaced, and groaned, “Stars…” she turned around, waving at everyone in a motion to get their attention, "Alright. Looks like the fun is over, ladies.”

 

“We got you in trouble, my Diamond?” One of the closer gems questioned.

 

Another was quick to add, distressed and upset, “I knew we shouldn’t have done this!”

 

“Shush, all of you.” Orange said, waving them off and giving them a comforting smile, "It’s alright. Go back to your work.”

 

She was met with a chorus of, “Yes, my Diamond.”

 

Orange waited until he crowd started to disperse to turn to Pearl, her smile morphing into a sullen expression, “So…how screwed am I, Pearl?”

 

Pearl turned, leading the way back to the spire, taking a moment to choose just how to answer Orange. “Blue Diamond is…furious.”

 

“Great.” the younger gem grunted, rubbing her forehead as she wondered just how she was going to fix this. "Any chance I can pull the eyes and…?”

 

“No.” Pearl cut her off, earning another groan from the young Diamond.

 

“Fantastic.”

 

* * *

 

 

“Ah,” Blue’s voice carried over the room as Pearl and Orange Diamond entered, Pearl separating from Orange as she moved to stand in front of Blue, waiting as she sat forward in her seat to give her her attention, “there you are. I wanted to speak with you.”

 

“Blue?” Orange questioned, fidgeting under the older Diamond’s stare, "Is everything okay?”

 

“There are a few things, Yes.” Blue nodded, “First, what is this I hear about you ordering your guards to…remain back?” Blue raised an eyebrow in question, her mouth a thin line.

 

Orange’s eyes averted fro Blue’s,“What, uh, what about it?”

 

“Orange,” Blue whined her name in that way that Orange knew meant Blue had found fault in something she did, which made her tense, her teeth already gritting in preparation to mind herself. “That is their job, their purpose. How are they supposed to protect you if you order them to remain back?”

 

Orange looked back at the older diamond, eyebrows turning down in frustration, “I don’t need them, Blue. They are just-“

 

“Of course you need them!” Blue Diamond cut her off, voice raised, "That’s their job, to protect you.”

 

“Fine.” Orange responded, her tone slipping into something more indignant than she was used to using as her voice raised to match Blue’s own, "Then I don’t wantthem.”

 

“Excuse me?” Blue jerked back, her face falling into a shocked expression.

 

“I don’t want them following me.” Orange told her sternly, her hand swiping through the air in a gesture of dismissing something while the other curled into a fist at her side. "I don’t want the guards. I’m old enough, and strong enough, to not need escorts around a moon base, of all things. What’s going to happen?” Orange shushed, as she added sarcastically, "I mean, it’s not like I’m allowed to go anywhere else.”

 

“That isn’t true!” Blue immediately rebutted, her expression turning from shock to anger.

 

“How is that not true?,” The younger Diamond’s face had begun to twist in her rising anger, “I’m not allowed to leave the base at all!”

 

“There are plenty of things to do here! Least of which should involve you lowering yourself to an arena contestant!” Blue spat the words like they were acid, making the younger diamond recoil, hands clenching at her sides as the older gem continued to yell, “On my own Moon base, Orange! What were you thinking? Were you thinking?”

 

“It was just a little bit of fun, Blue!” Orange shot back, recovering and taking an aggressive step towards blue as she yelled back, “No one was hurt!”

 

“You could have been hurt! You’re so small, what if you have been cracked?” Blue voice had raised to shouting levels, "Or worse!”

 

“It was friendly sparing, not a battle.” The younger gem responded, incredibly frustrated. "And if you had actually watched, you would see I know what I’m doing!”

 

“Don’t you raise your voice at me, Orange Diamond!” Blue pointed a finger in warning at the younger gem.

 

But Orange was anything except enraged, “Then you should listen to me!” Orange smack herself in the chest as emphasis, "I’m not helpless, and I’m not a child, even if everyone seems insistent on acting like I am. Why can’t you at least give me this?! For once in your life, just-”

 

“Orange!” Blue screamed her name, standing up suddenly, her face shadowed but her eyes glowed even as she glared at Orange, her much larger form towering over her.

 

Orange gasped as tears poured unexpectedly from her eyes and she fell to her hands and knees, an uncomfortable sadness filling her. Everything was so cold, and distant, and she felt boxed in, caged with an emotion that wasn’t quite hers. She wanted away so badly. She needed away from it.

 

“Why are you being this way? You’ve never talked to me like this.” Blue cried, tears falling down her cheeks even as she yelled, “You’re being so disrespectful!”

 

“Stop!” Orange’s yelled, her voice no where near Blue’s level, but the emotion trapped int he sound gave Blue pause. 

 

“Orange?” Blue questioned in a much calmer tone, her arms raising in front of her as she looked down on Orange with growing worry when she did not get up off the floor.

 

Orange head was bowed, resting on the floor, her back arched and hands curled into her hair, as if in pain. “Please stop using your powers on me.” Orange cried, tone breathy as she panted and sobbed, her voice rising in pitch until she was practically yelling, “Please, make it stop. Make it stop!”

 

“Oh!” Blue recoiled into herself as she realized she was the one causing the younger gem pain, her powers blinking out the moment she realized what had happened. Hesitantly, Blue moved forward, reaching forward to try and sooth the young gem with her touch. “Orange...”

 

“Don’t touch me!” Orange aura flared out from the younger gem, making Blue take a step back to avoid getting hit, before it died down, curling around her like a protective blanket, a warning. Orange’s voice had lowered, breaking as she spoke, “I don’t want to…don’t touch me. Please...”

 

Pearl stepped forward when Blue hadn’t, attempting to help the young gem as she assessed Orange’s condition while she remained bowed on the floor. “My Diamond…you’re breathing heavily…oh.” Pearl leaned forward to touch Orange’s back, “Your…” Pearl pulled her hands back, tucking one to her chest and using the other to slightly cover her mouth as a particularly nasty flare of energy hit her hand and the sudden tingle in her light form had her stepping back in caution. Even Blue Diamond had caught the lines running up Pearl’s forearm before they disappeared, returning to normal.

 

“Orange?” Blue said her name softly, kneeling down to the young diamond, gently assessing her Pearl for a moment and seeing she had only been grazed, the lines of her form already knit back together and disappearing. She immediately turned her full attention to Orange Diamond, a hand covering her mouth as she debated what to do.

 

“I..I don’t…” Orange shook, finger pulling at her hair as she gasped for breath, eyes clenching as she bared her teeth. Her energy snapped in the air, flaring and dying randomly, uncontrolled as she sobbed. ”Stay-…don’t. Please.”

 

“Orange, I’m so sorry.” Blue began to cry, but held tightly onto her own powers, unwilling to cause any more damage than she had. "I didn’t mean to-what can I do? Please calm down.”

 

Blue watched, feeling so confused and guilty as Orange continued to breath alarmingly quick, shoulder shaking and unresponsive to her except her energy that aggressively attack anything that neared her. “I have, I have.” Blue wailed, almost hysterically, “Oh, Orange, my sweet Orange, I’m so, so sorry.” Blue bega n to reach forward, slowly, as if to giving her warning she was would help, "I…do you want me to hold you? I can’t-“

 

“Get away!” Orange’s voice boomed, her aura snapped out, zapping Blue’s hand before she could pull it away. Blue shook her hand, eyes looking down at the lines that burned through her light form, creating glitches of light where it had hit her so hard, she was sure had she been any other gem, she would have been shattered. Quickly enough, the lines in her form fixed themselves, but lines of damage remained that would need to be fixed later, but they were unimportant to her at the moment, Turning back to the younger gem, Blue tensed, fighting the urge to reach back to try and touch her in comfort.

 

“I need…I can’t…make it stop.” Orange pleaded quietly, her voice breaking so many time the two gems beside he had difficulty trying to make out what she had said..

 

“What?” Blue questioned, “Orange, I can’t understand you.” Blue hoped if she could get Orange to tell her what she needed, she would be able to do something. Anything. She felt so helpless, unsure what to do, having never had to deal with what was happening now.

 

instead of the instructions Blue had hoped for, Orange started to gag, like she was going to expel everything in her stomach, but what only came from her mouth was a bunch of saliva and minimal amounts of tablet bits, but even then that did not quench her gagging.

 

Orange fell to her side, cheek nearly smacking into her own vomit as she curled in on herself, tears still streaming from her eyes as she shook. Blue was at her side in an instant, on her knees and hovering, unable to touch Orange and so unsure how to comfort her and make whatever was wrong, better.

 

Blue cried, her shoulders shaking, waiting, because she didn’t know what else she could do, until Orange’s bright aura began to simmer, weak little flicks until it was gone, leaving a shivering little diamond, curled up in herself, no longer sobbing, but eyes half lidded, not quite focusing on any one thing, tears still slipping from her eyes.

 

“Orange?” Blue whispered.

 

“Blue?” Orange’s voice was rough, hoarse and cracking.

 

Blue reached forward, about to touch Orange before she jerked, stopping herself.

 

To her relief, it was Orange that turned to see her hand hovering over her, eyes looking at it from the corners of her eyes before she reached up in an attempt to grab her hand. Blue met her most of the way, allowing Orange to grab her index finger and roll onto her back, Blue’s hand guided down to rest on her stomach while she practically curled into her palm, like a small, scared child.

 

“Orange, are you alright?” Blue questioned quietly, tears still falling down her own face, but elated that Orange was allowing her touch now.

 

The younger gem took a moment to respond, her voice low and muffled in the skin of the older diamond’s hand, “I…I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.”

 

“You were shaking, and crying.” Blue explained, alarmed that she couldn’t remember the traumatic event that had just occurred. Blue didn’t believe she would ever forget it. "No one could touch you. I couldn’t...I couldn’t help you.”

 

“Mmm…” Orange groaned, shivers still racking her body as she curled as much as she could into Blue’s palm without actually being picked up by her. “My head hurts. My chest hurts too.”

 

“Your Gem?” Blue asked in alarm, eyes already seeking the gem in her chest, but unable to see it as she had tucked her chest into knees, and obscured by her long hair.

 

“No…” Orange shook her head but quickly stopped when that made the pain in her head worse, “don’t think so.”

 

“It’s okay now, my sweet, sweet, Orange. It’s all okay now. Your okay. I promise. I’m not mad anymore, I’m sorry. Everything is okay now.” Blue cooed, soft words jumbling into each other as she repeated her comforting words.

 

“I’m…I’m tired…” Orange eventually told her when the shakes had begun to subside, her body giving into fatigue.

 

“I’ll get one of the guards to take you-“

 

Blue was quickly cut off by Orange’s loud protest,“No!” Orange’s hand curled around her fingers, much smaller than Blue’s own, “I…can I stay with you, Blue? Please. I don’t...I don’t want to be alone.”

 

“Of course.” Blue was quick to respond, agreeing before Orange could even finish speaking, "I’ll…let’s go to my room, okay? Just us.” She promised.

 

“Okay.” She agreed quietly.

 

“Can you-Here. Let me carry you.” Blue began to reach forward with her other hand, ready to gently scoop the younger diamond into her hands before she stopped mid-air, remembering how vehemently she had been about not being touched only minutes ago, despite her other hand she had curled into, it left her unsure. Not willing risk upsetting her again, Blue waited and asked, “May I…?”

 

Orange tiredly nodded her consent to Blue, cautiously and ever so gently, Blue picked her up, mindful of the expelled mess next to the younger gem. With little gem in her hands, curled up while gripping her finger with one of her hands, as if to keep her from somehow disappearing, Blue began the walk to her chambers.

 

Pearl remained quiet, following the two diamonds obediently, one hadn’t still curled around the other that had been hit by Orange’s aura. She, like Blue Diamond, was visibly frazzled by what had happened in the command room.

 

Eventually, the quiet trek to the room was interrupted by Orange, crying as she repeated, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m-“

 

“Shh. It’s okay.” Blue shushed her, holding her close to her chest while she used a finger to brush the back of Orange head in comfort.

 

“No it’s not.” snot dripped from Orange’s nose, tears falling freely again as she looked up at Blue from her slightly turned head, "I don’t know what happened, and I-I-“

 

“Shh.” Blue dipped her head, her face close to Orange’s as she whined and gasped for a breath before sobs, "Your working yourself up again. It’s okay. Breath for me.”

 

Even as she said it, Orange continued to sob into her palm, but the gasps of air were reassuring enough, so Blue allowed her to continue, brushing her back to let her know she was still with her.

 

The walk to the chamber was quick and short, Blue stopping outside the door while Pearl unlocked it with her hand, turning down tot look at the smaller Gem, “Pearl, remain outside.”

 

Pearl bowed, “Yes, my Diamond.”

 

Blue moved inside the room, the doors shutting behind her as she moved towards a large lounge chair. Unlike Orange’s room, she had no need of a bed, though she greatly appreciated a place to rest that wasn’t a throne. Sitting down, Blue was mindful of Orange and jostling her. Leaning back, Blue spoke to her as she gently adjusted from her palms to her chest, where she could lie her out. “There. I’ll hold you, Okay?” Blue’s hands curled around her form, gentle and comforting.

 

“Yeah.” Orange agreed, voice low and tired, but her hand still managed to curl tightly into her dress top, head dropping down and turning to touch her forehead to one of Blue’s palm “I…don’t leave me, Blue.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere.” Blue reminded her, holding back tears that threatened to spill at the sight of such broken little gem. “I’m so sorry, Orange. I shouldn’t have gotten so upset like that.”

 

“Please, don’t tell Yellow...or White.”

 

“Orange?” Blue questioned, surprised by the request. Of all the thing Orange could be worried about in that moment, she had not expected that.

 

“Please don’t tell them.” Orange pleased again,”Don’t tell them what happened.”

 

“But what if it happens again? They need-”

 

“I don’t care!” Orange’s voice raised, panic clear on her face as she turned to look up Blue, her eyes wide and frightened, startling the older gem. “I’ll handle it. Please, please, I don’t want them to know. I don’t want them to be angry, or upset. I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be sorry.” Blue hushed her, profoundly upset that her fellow Diamonds were what Orange were worried about, instead the very dramatic event she had just gone through. "You were scared…it’s not your fault.”

 

Orange did not respond, curling back into Blue’s palm, small shivers running through her as she curled up more. “I’m cold, Blue.”

 

“What?” Blue questioned, quietly.

 

“I feel cold. I’m really cold.”

 

Blue breathed out, muting her own alarm. Orange didn’t get cold, did she? Was this another thing wrong? Instead of giving into her own panic, Blue curled her hadn’t a little bit more around her, “You…it’s okay. It’ll all be okay, my little Orange. I’ve got you. Just keep breathing.”

 

“Okay.” Orange breathed out, giving into her fatigue and, eventually, falling asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

Blue hummed as she continued to hold Orange to her, the smaller gem still quite out of it, sometimes she would awake, startled and scared, and Blue would hush her, and brush her hair until she fell back into restless sleep.

 

Other times she would simply awake, eyes half lidded and appearing to not entire be aware where she was, or that she was even awake. It was startling, but Blue continued to pet her, attempting to comfort both her, and herself. She had cried more after Orange had fallen asleep, the situation taxing on her as much as it had Orange.

 

Eventually, a long time later, Blue had laid back, her eyes closed and humming softly, the vibrations in her chest caused by it apparently soothed the younger gem, and she didn’t startle awake as often as she would if she wasn’t doing so. Endeavoring to allow her as much rest as she needed, Blue remained still, no matter how uncomfortable laying in the chair was, holding Orange close and brushing her hair and back. At some point, Orange stirred awake, eyes half lidded, but much more aware of everything around her.

 

The movement against her chest alerted Blue, and she opened her eyes, ready to quiet a potentially disoriented diamond, her eyes looking down and meeting Orange as she stretched out. Her movements were slow and lethargic, taking a deep breath as she yawned and slumped against Blue’s chest, looking up at her.

 

“Blue.” Orange spoke, simply saying her name as she restated herself against her chest and curled palm.

 

“How are you feeling?” Blue questioned softly.

 

“Tired.” The younger gem responded, before taking a moment to actually access herself, “Everything aches…and i think i need tablets.”

 

“You must need some more time. You used a lot of energy. Do you remember what happened?” Blue asked hesitantly.

 

“I…” Orange paused, eyes leaving Blue’s to stare off, unfocused, "I was so scared.”

 

Blue was silent, allowing Orange to talk at her own pace.

 

“You were so angry, and then you were standing over me. I…” Orange looked back up at Blue, eyes slightly watering, "I don’t know what I thought. It was like being back in White's command room, and she was so angry at me.”

 

Blue’s hand stilled but a moment, not long enough for the overly tired Orange to notice, nor when Blue’s eyes shimmered with tears she refused to shed in front of Orange. 

 

“I’d don’t want to be sent away.” Orange told her quietly, fist curling into her dress, “I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want you to hate me.”

 

blue couldn’t stop the tears that brought, but she did not bother to hide them, leaning forward to touch a kiss to the top of Orange’s head. Her voice was soft, as she was close to the younger gem, “No matter how angry I am, I will always love you, Orange. Please, don’t ever forget that.”

 

Orange breathed out, tears falling from her eyes. “I love you too, Blue.”

**Author's Note:**

> I’ll admit, writing super emotional chapters like this are really draining on me, and I have to take a step back after them, especially when they highlight some Orange’s issues like this. It’s one of the reason I needed to cut this from the story, because I can’t have Orange having breakdowns often, or I would never be able to finish this story without potentially suffering myself.


End file.
